Longing

This poem I wrote a while ago, tonight serves as the starting point of my thoughts. Admitted there are many thoughts tonight, and as usual they are tumbling about without the order and discipline that my personality requires...there goes another line of thinking. But maybe let's start at the poem and then see where this goes.

Longing

While the world slept
We embraced for a moment
It’s more than miles and months that separate us.

Our touch was tentative
Our kisses careful
It’s more than miles and months that separate us.

How can I already be letting you go
when you filled the void so perfectly
It’s more than miles and months that separate us.

Have started reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and one of the points she makes is that you should feel your thoughts...then I also read the first couple of pages of Women who run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes and she says that women have been conditioned to fit their personalities into boxes to suit society. The author SARK, that I continually read on her website and in her books, is a front runner of both the above and also of the rediscovery of our untamed inner woman.

Now take the above and file it...:-) and then I'll start at another beginning.

Today, well by now, yesterday, was my 34th birthday.

The night before my birthday I started getting a little tense about, well among other things, reaching the (to me) BIG 35. MID-thirties. My friends of course assured me that 34 does not yet account for MID-thirties, but still. I am horrified at the fact that the numbers on the age dial are moving faster and faster and at 34 I have reached the point where I have never been so fat as I am now, I have in my six years as a single parent never been so alone, and last but not so bad, I have never been so broke as I am now. According to society, I am supposed to be climbing the ladder of success. I should be living in a nice house, be driving a nice car and wearing nice clothes by now (as many of my friends do). But I don't.

WHY IS THIS??

Well, at least at 34, I have realised that conformity can be very comforting and easy, and I regularly use that as a scapegoat when I have to, but all the books I mentioned above, tell of non-conforming...they do! Being your own self, doing what makes you happy, even if that makes you look silly to other people..

So where does that leave me?

After a wonderful day, filled with love and good wishes and presents and phone calls, one of the messages confirming that I do have an untamed heart...:-) - I waved at the taillights of the last friend leaving and realized...I have a big fat overwhelming hollowness inside and I felt the tears welling up. What is wrong? Why do I want to cry tears of sadness after a day that many people dream of??

Night before last another one of my friends left a message for me on mxit about how he experienced the lowest low after his break-up with his girlfriend and he asked for advise.

Guess what I told him.. Be thankful for today, this moment, the house you live in now, the car you drive now, the clothes you feel comfortable in and realise that just because society dictates certain rules does not mean that we SHOULD conform..and letting go of the fears associated with NOT FITTING IN. We should realise that the moment we have now is unlike any other that we will ever have again, we should enjoy it and stop wasting time thinking of what might be, or what was. See, I get all this in the clever books I read. I was so comfortable with this new line of thought that I blogged about it!! Ha! Surprise! You fell into your own thought trap.

Brutally honest??

I am so lonely that I feel like....well, I feel like something that is very hollow and very lonely.

And that is where the poem comes in.

As some people do, I often grab onto straws to try and keep my head above water, so that I do not drown in my own loneliness. Then I write poems about the straws..:-), but now as I read between the lines, I see that even then, I realised at some unconscious level, that they were only straws... (reflected in the MORE than miles and months that seperate us and the LETTING GO.)

I will now adjust my thoughts, by taking them to a happy place, and after a night's rest, we'll see what tomorrow brings.