Vulnerable

My track record of relationships is not the most commendable, and the fact that I am still single after my divorce six years ago, speaks for itself.

I have had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of a man with whom I believe I have a very deep, loving, soul relationship. We have not in the course of the nearly two years that we’ve known each other spent more than 8 solid hours together, as in face-to-face, (of which the last seven hours was spent over 3 days – and mostly in the company of others), but through written communication we’ve gotten to know each other at a very deep level. Although we both know that this relationship will never end in marriage, I believe that we both truly love each other.

Through all our communication, we’ve established a trust relationship and then last night, the unimaginable happened. We had our first fight – written of course. What made this fight remarkable is that although we were both FURIOUS, and harsh statements were made – the level of trust was so great, that we could manage to expose our inner most feelings and be vulnerable and through a bit of humor and a lot of love, we managed to resolve the problem.

Because I have never experienced this in any other relationship before it got me thinking about the elements of our relationship. Trust, and then something that blowed my mind. Vulnerability. For the first time I was able to expose my innermost being and risk getting hurt. I knew that this man was capable of hurting me in a way that I have never experienced before – and was TERRIFIED at the thought, but somehow I think my emotions have matured to such a level that I was able to brace myself and know that whatever happens – I would get through it.

The definition of the word ‘vulnerable’ says so much:

According to the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary - http://m-w.com/ - it has the following meanings.

1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
2 : open to attack or damage

Wounded!!! Damaged!!! Isn’t that the reason why so many marriages these days end up in disaster, because we’re not willing to allow ourselves to be wounded or damaged? But, then again, a marriage is supposed to be a trusting relationship in which we should cultivate an environment in which a person can trust his/her partner. Do we still do that??

And then a final question: Why do people seldom end up in marriage with the people with who they have soul connections with? Personally I’m scared to death of the word “soulmate” – because in both my serious relationships I believed that I had a “soulmate” in my partner and they both proved me wrong. I do believe however that through the emotional stages of your life, you do meet people with whom you share some connections between souls. Kat and I however share so many connections that it positively amazes me.

It took us exactly, to the day, 20 months from our first meeting to our second meeting and although we have no idea if we will ever meet each other again, I do know that he fills my soul and causes me great joy. At this stage of my life – that is all that I need!

I will always love you unconditionally Kat.

Again my soul found expression in a song: Nickelback’s Far Away – because Kat truly is far away! The italic text is the parts that I want to share and the bold font the really important parts..

Nickelback - Far Away

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away

Been far away for far too long

So far away

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know –

(and then the first words of the chorus fall in perfectly..that I love you)

I wanted

I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and, never let me go